First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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