ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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