your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
