Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
