i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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