I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
