just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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