Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Randomize
