I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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