Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize