Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
