it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
