You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
