I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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