why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
