Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
