I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
