Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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