Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i came on her dog
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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