I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
you made out with another girl for some wings
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
