On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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