ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
