i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
