My liver just broke up with me...
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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