I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
