i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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