He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
This is not my ceiling
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
