Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
