now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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