I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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