the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
