Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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