i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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