I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
