Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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