1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
