Define "chronic" masturbator.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
