i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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