I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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