call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
