He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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