the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize