After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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