I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
