i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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