I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Randomize
