Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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