I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
