She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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