it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
