soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
