Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
