A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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