I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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