shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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