speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I didn't notice because vodka
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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