Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
