I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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