I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
