I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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