No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
vagina is talking i cant
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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