It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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